Cut Me Deep
by Rowena Abla
Summary: About how Hermionie deals with her problems and secrets until someone finds everything out...deals with depression and self-injury


I felt like crap today. I always feel like crap, nothing new. I wonder if it's normal to feel like this every single fucking day. Maybe it's the raging hormones I am supposed to be experiencing at this age. I hate people who fucking say that shit; I just want to tell them to the shut the hell up.  
I think Harry and Ron are talking, probably about something stupid like how retched Snape is. Sure he is a cynical middle age bastard but they should just get over it because we have been dealing with him for 6 years now.  
". . . Snape is such a jackass for. . ."  
Wow surprise, surprise. Ok, I need to pay attention or else they will think something is wrong.  
". . .couldn't believe he . . ."  
I wonder what would happen if I just started screaming. It always seemed like fun to just randomly start screaming at the top of your lungs and as loud as you want. Or just take a bat and start smashing it all over the place. I really want to do that now...PAY ATTENTION!  
". . .seemed rather odd. . ."  
I know I should be paying attention but its not like they are saying anything new or interesting. I can't take this I just want to scream at them. Yell at them, tell them how I really feel about everything. I feel that anger begin to rise in me. I need it to go away I need it to just...  
"I have to go." I say rather quickly and cutting off Ron from whatever he was saying.  
"Erm why?" Harry asks.  
"Oh well do you remember in History how Professor..."  
Ron cut in "No details Hermionie, remember, this our down time, so don't ruin it."  
"Oh I didn't mean to but I just really need to..."  
"Go." Harry said without sounding like he cared.  
Smile, "Sorry." Taking my queue, I run off.  
  
I head to the bathroom and check to make sure no one is around. Quickly I run into a stall and lock it. Sitting down on the toilet I take a breath. I wanted to cry and I didn't know why. That's all I seem to want to do lately, just cry. But I can't cry. Even when my father left my mother and I at the beginning of the summer, I didn't cry. My mom cried but I don't blame her. What he did and why he left...if I were her I would have been crying too and after awhile she stopped crying. She stopped crying and feeling sad but she found a new way to release the anger boiling in her. For weeks she just verbally bashed on me. She hit me a couple of times while she was drunk but I knew she didn't mean to, I knew it wasn't really her. I blamed my father for this because it was all him. She wouldn't have been doing any of this if he just didn't leave. Yet every time she did it, it hurt just the same. Finally I was going to leave and I honestly felt bad, I really did but I needed to get away. I went with Ron and Harry for the rest of the summer. What I expected when I saw them was much different then what I had imagined. Ron did nothing but talk about him and his family and who his latest crush was. I smiled and waited for him to ask how my summer had gone or how am I doing but not one single question about me. I hoped Harry would be able to understand but he too was caught up in only himself. If I thought last year was bad with him, I was greatly mistaken because last year was a walk through the park compared to this year. He cursed off Ron and I as if it was his job and then yelled at us for never being able to understand that his life had been chosen and he had a destiny, whereas we didn't. I felt horrible for the death of Sirius because he was Harry's only father figure and I know this sounds selfish but Ron and I don't deserve this...ok maybe Ron does but I have tried to be there for him all the time. Hell, Harry never even bothered to ask about me either. It just makes me so mad that the both of them are too damn lazy to ask once in awhile how I am doing but instead I have to deal with my problems along with theirs. I love them, I just wish I could tell them what is wrong with me. I can only handle so much; only do so much before I hit the breaking point. I nearly did after Sirius died and when I came home to find my father...but I found my escape, my alternative way out of the everyday pain I face. My hand slips into my pockets and clutches the metal piece. Pulling it out I flick it open and smile at the knife in my hand. This is my freedom. I roll up my sleeve. My escape. I press the knife against my arm. My peace. I drag the knife across my skin. My relief. I let the pain take hold and the blood drip. My body relaxes as all thoughts and concerns drift away. I lean back looking at the cut and watch as the blood slowly makes its way down my arm. The pain starts to fad and I bring my knife up to my arm again but the door opens and someone walks into the bathroom. Shit! I put the knife back into my pocket and flush the toilet to make it seem I had actually been doing something. Unlocking the stall door I walk to the sink to wash my hands. Ginny is standing there with a sad look on her face.  
"Hey Ginny!" I say with a smile.  
"Hey Hermionie." She sounds sort of out of it. She stands there looking at her reflection. "Oh, I came to tell you Ron is looking for you."  
"Oh ok. Thanks for telling me." Fuck I don't want to talk to him but I don't want to talk to Ginny either. "I better go find him...is something wrong Ginny?" She looked like she might start crying. Ginny looked at me and said,  
"Sorta. Look, Hermonie, I know..."  
WHAT? Knows what? She can't know because I have been painstakingly careful about this. How the fuck does she know? Could she know? Ok maybe it's not that maybe its something different. How would she of all people know? Exactly! She wouldn't.  
"I know things with Harry, Ron and you are a little tough right now but I just wanted to say hang in there..."  
I could kill her! What a moron and here she is giving me this huge speech about how I should be a better fucking friend. What a moronic, ill blinded girl. Everyone blames Ron and I for not being there for Harry when he needs us both but we are there, always there. How are we supposed to help him when he won't let us? When he constantly picks fights with us? How are we supposed to help him? And what about Ron and I? We too have problems and yes I am tired of hearing about Ron's problems but they are still bad too but Harry isn't there to try and help us. What about my problems and my life? I always knew becoming friends with Harry would be difficult and so did Ron but this surpasses what I had originally thought. I don't mean about Harry's problems but just being friends and trying to be there because if Harry is sad its partly our fault and if Harry is mad its somehow our fault. We should always be there for fucking Harry Potter because Harry has no parents, Sirius is dead, the Dursleys suck, and he has a destiny with Voldemort but we should drop our lives to help him? Where was he when I needed help? When Ron needed help? Everything always revolved around him and his needs and he acts like it is suppose too.  
"So get what I am saying?" Ginny had been still been talking.  
"Yeah I get what you are saying. I understand Harry is going through a really hard time and Ron and I should try and be supportive. You are right and I'll talk to Ron about it." Oh I could wring her stupid little neck.  
"Thanks so much Hermionie for listening but you should go find Ron." She smiled brightly and much more happily then before.  
"No problem. Bye!" I walk out feeling yet another need to cut but I couldn't go back to the bathroom. I would have to find a new a place. Hmmmm what is a good place that is...?  
"Herm! I've been looking for you everywhere!" Ron.  
"Oh hey. Yeah Ginny just told me. What is it?"  
"Harry went off at it again."  
"Are you kidding? What did we do this time?" Oh fuck!  
"We aren't there for him the way he is there for us..."  
"NO!" I swear to God I could kill Harry, I think I really, really could.  
"Yeah. I just wanted to give you a heads up."  
"Thanks."  
"Oh guess what"  
"What?"  
"I spoke to Madeline..." Zone out time. Madeline was Ron's newest crush but he might have a chance with her. I can't believe Harry I really can't. Sometimes I want to slap him and tell him to stop being a self-indulgent little boy but Dumbledore would slaughter me. Fucking Dumbledore always protects him and he is partly to blame for the way Harry has been acting. The feeling to cut started to begin. I had to grab my arm and grip it real tight to wane it off. I need to get the fuck out of here.  
"...So Saturday we are going to meet and...."  
"Oh that's splendid I am so happy for you. Ron I don't mean to be rude but I really must be going..."  
Ron looked a little annoyed but he will get over it. "Ok we can talk later I guess."  
"Sure thing and thanks for warning me about Harry."  
"No problem."  
I turned on my heel and realized I needed to go somewhere other then the girls bathroom but to a private place. Out of the Griffindor Tower as well...hmmmm. I go through the common room but before I get to the exit Harry stops me.  
"Have you talked to Ron?"  
"What?" Oh crap I did not expect this.  
"I know you talked to Ron about me but I just want to let you know..."  
"Harry despite what you may thing Ron and I have always tried to be there for you as best we could. I am truly sorry if it is not enough..."  
  
"You just...."  
"You are right we don't understand what you are going through but please Harry I really must be going..."  
  
"See running off again. What kind of friends are you?"  
"Harry..." My arm is itching for the blade now. I dig my fingernails into my arm.  
"Hermione all I am asking is that you for once try and talk with me about what has happened."  
"What is there to talk about Harry? You have made it perfectly clear that no matter what, Ron and I would never understand." I walked off before Harry could answer. I ran out of the tower and walked in a brisk pace to find an empty classroom. No one goes to the dungeons anymore so I run off there. I found a classroom no one seemed to have used in awhile and if someone did come I would he able to hear them coming. Sitting down at an empty desk I draw out my blade again. The metal shimmered in the light giving an almost magical look to it. Again I sink the knife into my skin and let myself be free...  
  
Ron and I sat in potions class while Snape ridiculed the Gryffindor kids again. He poked fun at the fact that Harry wasn't talked to Ron and I. We were assigned to do a group potion and he enjoyed putting us with Harry. Of course we didn't actually get the potion done properly because Ron and Harry just screamed at each other the whole time and every time I asked for help they just ignored me. By the end of class Snape asked the three of us to stay.  
"I am unconcerned with your 'problems' that are going on outside of this classroom but while you are in my classroom I expect you to get along and do my work. Each of you has detention for not doing your assigned work and for distracting others." Snape yelled at us.  
"Professor please it is just..."  
"Ms. Granger I do not care to hear your petty excuses. If you argue with me again I shall double it."


End file.
